Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Sunday, 24 January 2010
“………..you know me. I’m not one to name-drop darling, but a few weeks ago, I had the good fortune to bump In to Lord Attenborough, or Dickie as I affectionately call him, do you know him? A dear sweet, sweet man…….. It was at the Old Vic, have you been there lately? It’s divine, so much better since Kevin Spacey has been in charge, do you know him? A truly wonderful human being and thespian who believes pationatly in promoting the cultural value of theater…..anyway, his face lit up when he saw me, Dickie, old darling I said, how wonderful to see you……..Booboo luvvie , he said as he warmly shook my hand……are you working dear boy?......It brought a wry smile to my face, I joked that when darling Roseanna Arquette complained that there were few good roles for actresses over 40, there’s even fewer decent parts written for chimps. Apart from 28 days pt2, whom no self-respecting chimp would play because of the gross misrepresentations in that trashy movie, I cannot think of a single starring role for a chimp in a Hollywood film. Since being Marcel in “Friends” I’ve been in rep, ah, David Schwimmer, a dear, dear, thespian, marvellous beyond words………………………………….
Friday, 22 January 2010
God doesn’t play dice (Einstein)…..no, they play poker on a Wednesday night (Grumpy)
Five billion years ago it was poker night at Odin's house. For the previous 9 billion years, every Wednesday evening he would invite his chums Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, and Jehovah around for a no-limit game of Texas hold 'em. This being Wednesday was no exception...
Odin: Ah, Jesus. I see you brought the wine again. Nice. Whose turn is it to deal?
Vishnu: Look, I'm bored with this crap. Every week we play the same damn game, and we all know Buddha is going to win. Every time you get a better hand than him he starts giving that “Nothing is real” crap.
Buddha: Yeah, that’s the sound of my one hand beating yours! Hey! Hang on. What the hell am I doing here anyway? I never even claimed to be an omnipotent being!
Jehovah: Shut up fat boy. Go and put the kettle on or something. Oh, and get the cigars too.
Buddha goes to make the coffee.
Allah: He's right though, I'm bored with this too. I say we spice things up a bit. Lets play another game.
Odin: We are not playing dice again.
Allah: Well, I say we create a planet. Stick some life on it and let them evolve for a while. Then we can place bets on how long they manage to go before they figure out what we are up to. Call it the Earth.
Jesus: Sounds interesting. How would it work?
Allah: Well, we would each leave some clues for them. Something which appears to be such a ridiculously unlikely coincidence that only a total fool would think that it could have happened by chance.
Vishnu: Hey, that sounds like a laugh. But how would the betting work?
Allah: Well, we each leave some clues, and the God whose clue is accepted by the life on the Earth as proof of our existence gets out of doing the washing up for the next 10 billion years.
Odin: Lol. Dude, awesome idea.
Allah: Right. Well, what about leaving some bloody great enormous piles of rocks all over the place. When they find them they are sure to think there is something going on.
Jehovah: What is it with you and rock man? That monolith thing is so passe. You can't just hide a few slabs here and there and expect them to catch on that easy.
Allah: Look, I'm going to do it, but be a bit subtle about it. I will put a load of stones around the place, but line them all up with the Sun. When they find those they will catch on especially as I will do them so that they all use the same basic units of measurement, the “Megalithic yard”
Vishnu: You reckon? That won't do it. They will just think their ancestors must have worshipped the Sun or something.
Odin: Sap. Messing about with little rocks and units of measurment? Look, you are thinking far too small man. I'm going to give them a bloody great moon. What I'm going to do is make it so that the moon appears exactly the same size in the sky as the Sun.
Vishnu: They probably won’t even notice that.
Odin: They might not, but on the the midwinter solstice, spring equinox, summer solstice, and autumn equinox the sun will set in exactly the same place. On the equinoxes the Moon will set in the same place as the Sun, but on the solstices, it will have exactly the opposite setting point. That will get them looking up in the sky. Plus every 360 Earth days each point on the surface will have a solar eclipse. When my moon passes in-front of their Sun and perfectly blocks it out it's going to be blinding obvious. They will be like “Wow, what are the chances of that”
Vishnu: Na, they will still just think it's luck. Look, how far away are you going to put your moon?
Odin: Um, not sure. I was thinking of putting it 400 times closer than the Sun, but make it 400 times smaller so it all lined up right.
Vishnu Well, that would only work if the Earth had a perfectly circular orbit, and that would be cheating, you have to use an elliptical orbit just like everything else in the damn universe.
Odin: Hmm, OK. Fair point. Look, so long as the 400 thing works when there is an eclipse I'm happy.
Vishnu Fair enough. You have got no chance though, they still won't spot it, but I'll go with your 400 thing and run with it... I'm going to make the moon turn 400 kilometres on its axis each day, but make the Earth turn 100 times faster at 40,000 kilometres per day. I will make it 40,000 Megalithic yards in 1 megalithic second of arc of the Sun. I will also make the Moon 100 megalithic yards to each second of arc which as the Sun is 400 times bigger makes it 40,000 Megalithic Yards per second of arc of the Sun.
Jesus: What? Oh, right. So that's Odin and Vishnu sorted then, but stop going on about Megalithic yards Vishnu. They probably won’t work that out.
Jehovah: OK then, I'm going for the number of days in the year. I'll make it 366 days a year and make the Earth 366% the size of moon, and to top it off make it 10,000 days in 366 lunar orbits as well as having 366 Megalithic yards in 1 Mg second of arc of the Earth. .
Jesus: Look, we said no friggin' Megalithic anything. Anyway I will have some of this 366 action. If Jehovah is having percentage size of Earth to Moon, I'm having percentage size of Moon to Earth which is 27.322. I'll make it 27.322 days in 1 lunar orbit when measured from the stars. There is absolutely no reason why the Earth/Moon size percentage should be the same as how many times the thing spins around the bugger. To 3 decimal places... They will go nuts over this one.
Jesus: Also, sticking with the 4 thing, I will take my 27.322 x 4 to get 109.28. I will make the Sun 109.25 times bigger than the Earth and put the Earth 109.26 Sun-widths away from it at its farthest point. Just for a laugh I will make the Moon's equatorial circumference 10,920 kilometres as well.
Buddha returns with the coffee and cigars...
Buddha: Anyone got a light?
Jesus: What am I, the light of the world?
Buddha: Well, I think we just need to do something with the speed of light. By the time they figure that out, they will notice that if you accelerate at 1g for 1 year you get to the speed of light. To be honest, if they haven't spotted what is going on by then they will soon blow themselves up, so all bets will be off anyway.
Odin: He's got a point you know guys. We don't want them to blow themselves up before we get a result on this one. We had better chuck a few more coincidences at them, just to make sure they do actually spot it at some point.
Vishnu: Aright then. We will make the Moon orbit at an average speed 1 kilometre per second, and make the node cycle a round 6,800 days to complete. Oh, let's set the mass of the moon to be 1.234% that of the Earth.
Allah: You think they will spot that the circumference of the Earth multiplied by that of the Moon divided by 100 gives you the circumference of the sun correct to 99.9 per cent?
Allah: Which also obviously means that if you divide the circumference of the Sun by that of the Moon and multiply by 100 you get the circumference of the Earth. Also if you divide the size of the Sun by the size of the Earth and multiply by 100 you get the size of the Moon. Oh, we can also make a pendulum which swings at a rate of once a second on the Earth have length of precisely 1 meter. But you all knew that already I'm sure.
Odin: Allah, you are getting really boring now. Look, I'm just going to make the Moon look like some big dude with a cheesy grin looking back at them, and leave it at that. Anyway, Buddha, go and get us a pizza or something.
Who built the Moon? Un-script: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/UnScripts:Who_built_the_moon.
Who took their figures from: Who built the Moon? by Christopher Knight and Alan Butler.
Who took their figures from:
d): Humans from the future
e): Sheer coincidence
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your wages on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.