Friday, 8 April 2011
GRUMPYS GUIDE TO FRANCE AND THE FRENCH #2. THE LANGUAGE AND THE CULTURE.
The French speak their own language and spell the words with French letters.
France’s biggest export is their pretentious language, which is used snobbishly by the middle classes of the world to prove their superiority.
“I love the French language. I have sampled every language, French is my favourite....fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperies de connards d'enculé de ta mere.” ( "Name of God, of whore, of brothel, of shit, of filth, of jerk, of fuck, of arse of your mother.") “ It's like wiping your arse with silk, I love it.”
The Merogovinian. The Matrix Revisited.
“Allemagne dix points.” Del Boy.
The French use their pompous language to turn everyday activities into art.
Football for instance.
"When football gets close to art, and the communication between the players is right so that everybody does something intelligent when he has the ball, it becomes an art and it's that moment of beauty when you enjoy to watch."
French cooking is supposed to be art. It pretty much consists of baking bread called baguettes.
It’s considered a good night out to be drinking wine and eating bread and cheese in a restaurant that has been approved of by a tyre manufacturer.
As John Travolta explained at the beginning of “Pulp Fiction” McDonald’s food is different in each country. Here is a Happy Meal from a branch in Bordeaux.
Here we see France’s only movie star checking out his take out order.
This is the French equivalent of a McFlurry.
They speak English really, but they pretend that they don’t.
French culture includes….
The books of the Marquis de Sade....
Jean Paul Sartre....
and Victor Hugo
Mime is considered to be art in France, it is however, considered creepy by the rest of the planet.
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.”
Le Grande Eric. France’s most celebrated philosopher.
The French are the world’s rudest people. They hate everyone. They reserve a special hatred for the English and the Americans.
The language is the biggest problem. The French seem to think that everyone should speak French. They never factor in that they could have been talking in German.
The English language is a mixture of Anglo-Saxon and French words. For example:
...whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender...
—Sir Winston Churchill
If you examine the above statement you will see that all the words are Anglo-Saxon, until you get to the word “Surrender”, which brings us to the elephant in the room.
“You could invade France by telephone....if you could find someone to answer it”
Perhaps they are the way they are because France has been invaded on a regular basis for the last couple of thousand years. First by the Italians. The Germans and the English have taken turns ever since.
Their most famous warrior was a woman.
"You can't fire me, I quit!"
The only time the French thought that warfare was an art was under Napoleon, who met his Waterloo at....well Waterloo.