Grumpy man with too much time on his hands.

OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR MEN #12.

2012-02-01T01:57:00.000-08:00

HOW YOU GET THERE #5. NOWHERE.

2012-02-01T01:49:00.000-08:00

"ALL MY LIFE, ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A GANGSTER."

2012-02-01T01:45:00.000-08:00

PIE CHART #14. TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

2012-01-31T03:16:00.000-08:00

People who put up posts without spell checking them also suck at Trivial Pursuit.

THE FIRST STEP TO CURING ALCOHOLISM IS ADMITTING TO YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

2012-01-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

THE STRANGE NOISES FROM EVERYWHERE ON EARTH. REAL OR FAKE?

2012-01-29T05:09:00.000-08:00

Don't think that the "strange noise" phenomenon has passed Grumpy by. YouTube is alive with the strange noises that are from everywhere in the world. The explanations are as exotic and varied as any explanations of UFO sightings.
I have listened to and watched loads of these and the first thing that strikes me is that the noises are different. Some sound like trumpets and others sound like wind, feedback, or rumbling thunder.

There are enough fake UFO videos on the web and they are harder to fake than some unidentified strange noise.
Maybe they're real, maybe they're fake. I don't think I'm going into believing mode until the sounds stop a news broadcast or a football match on TV.
Watch this space.

WTF. A BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING OUT OF CHICHEN ITZA. ARE THOSE MAYANS WINDING US UP AGAIN?

2012-01-29T04:08:00.000-08:00

Temple of Kukulkan at Chichen Itza is the Mayan pyramid in Mexico that draws in the crowds at the spring equinox to see the optical illusion of the feathered serpent god Kukulkan wriggling down the pyramid's staircase.

This incredible image was taken by a Mexican family who were sightseeing in 2009. They didn't see it, but the image came out on their phone. Here is a video from Mexican TV (with subtitles)....

PROTESTORS AT THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM. THE RIGHT WAY AND THE WRONG WAY TO GET PUBLICITY.

2012-01-29T03:43:00.000-08:00

The wrong way:

The right way:

The only observation that I would like to make is that the girls all seem to be reasonably attractive, which seems to be a little suspicious to me. Don't ordinary women want to save the world too?

THE OSCARS. GRUMPY MARKS THE ACADEMY'S CARD.

2012-01-28T04:54:00.000-08:00

John Le Carrier wrote loads of good spy books that have been turned into films, but the movie makers avoided this one back in the day. Why?
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy became a memorable seven part TV series staring the brilliant Sir Alec Guiness (Obi-Wan Kanobi) in the lead roll. Look it up. It still well watchable today.
Do you think that it might have crossed the studio executives minds at the time. "Hey, lets make this into a movie."
Of course it did, but they rejected it because is was so long. Duh, that's why it was a TV series.
What a Jedi master was given weeks to accomplish, they expected Gary Oldman to knock out in an afternoon.
I couldn't work out who was who, what they did and what was going on half the time....and I knew the plot!

Everyone says, quite rightly, that Meryl Streep's portrayal of Mrs Thatcher is flawless. I saw the movie. All the time I was watching it I wasn't seeing an actress, I felt like I was watching Mrs Thatcher herself. Perfect.
On the other hand. Why didn't Will Ferrel get an Oscar for President Bush, or Rory Bremner get something for Tony Blair?
When is it impersonation and when is it acting?
Like Mrs Thatcher, Meryl Streep had a poor supporting cast. Another one where I couldn't work out who was who, what they did and what was going on half the time....and again, I knew the plot!

Another impression. With so many big time actors at it, no wonder Les Dennis can't get on TV any more.

Ok, so what did we learn here?

Hoover was a closet gay, racist and presidential blackmailer, who double hated the Kennedys, got old, then died....Wow....Who knew?

Er, everyone.

As interesting as yesterdays newspapers.

The real rape is of the original Swedish film, translated as: "Men Who Hate Women". The original was so good that you easily got past the lip-sync and fact that it was dubbed. An original story, unusual location and good acting all round, especially the girl, Noomi Rapace.
This remake is a total rip off. I think they even used the same locations and dialogue. All that money and effort just to give the James Bond guy a lollypop job. So good that I turned it off.

It doesn't matter to me that George Clooney is, well, sort of, the same-ish guy in most of his films, they are usually quite watchable. Nearer to the point is that that's what his lady fans want. I'm a kind of an if-it-'aint-broke-don't fix-it kind of guy.
I supposes he's getting older now and the number of parts available are thinning out and he doesn't want to go back to TV, so he's having to "up his game", an Oscar on his CV wouldn't do any harm.
It's a miserable and depressing story, but it's an unusual, layered, plot in an unusual location. Watching Clooneys character keep adjusting to the ever changing circumstances is interesting to watch.

It does what it says on the box. Yeah, a film about a horse. Black Beauty is everyone's favourite movie...not. Turned it off.

If you are a white person and you believe that black people have got chips on their shoulders, it's because you have watched and believed shit like this film. Black people have gone through centuries of persecution. They don't need to see their freedom given to them by some little white girl.

It's not history, it's bollocks. It's taking the piss.

I'm sure that everyone involved with the film thought that they were taking part in a worthy project that was making an important social and political statement for the betterment of mankind. They would, wouldn't they, they're actors.

No, they were taking the piss.

While we are on the subject of taking the piss. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of being pissed on, whilst being told it's raining.

Nominated for 10 academy awards?

THIS IS A SILENT MOVIE IN BLACK AND WHITE!

Yeah, that's right, no words, no colour, for an hour and a half. A silent movie in the style of old silent movies....you know....from, like a 100 years ago!

Don't follow the mob. Be the first one on your block to say that the king has got no clothes on. It's shit.

This is a sneaky, dastardly, crafty plot by the French to get the world to accept that mime is an art form and not the creepy activity that it really is.
Don't be fooled by the appearance of Roseanne's screen husband, John Goodman. This film is as French as the Eiffel tower.

AT LAST, A PRACTICAL USE FOR ABU HAMZA.

2012-01-25T16:17:00.000-08:00

YOGI GOES TO THE UN TO SEE HOW AGENDA 21 WILL AFFECT HIM, BOO BOO, Mr RANGER AND PICNIC BASKETS.

2012-01-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

THE GENIUS OF OSCAR BROWN Jr #1. I APOLOGISE.

2012-01-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

US POLITICIANS....THE BEST THAT MONEY CAN BUY.

2012-01-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

I SAW THIS AND MY IMAGINATION VISUALISED MICHAEL MADSEN DOING IT TO DENISE WELCH ON BIG BROTHER.

2012-01-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

"LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT....OOOOOH....WAR....UH....GOOD GOD Y'ALL....WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?"..."ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"...."SAY IT AGAIN...."

2012-01-22T14:24:00.000-08:00

IF YOU ARE NOT FROM THE UK, I’LL BET YOU THOUGHT WE USE THOSE RED PHONE BOXES THAT YOU SEE IN THE MOVIES.

2012-01-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

TV PSYCHIC DEREK ACORAH, SEEN PICTURED HERE WITH HIS RED INDIAN SPIRIT GUIDE, SAM.

2012-01-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

MICHAEL CAINE SAYS #3. "DID YOU KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY MAJOR ARTIST TO LIVE IN SOUTH LONDON AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT."

2012-01-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

When I was a lad, before I became an international super star I lived in Bermondsey. I always thought that me and Charlie Chaplin were the biggest artists that had lived in South London. I was wrong....

In 1873, if you had asked Vincent Van Gogh "Where do you live Vince?"

He might well have pulled out this sketch that he made, point to it and say in his acquired London accent....

"ear"

This is the only surviving sketch from the period that Vincent Van Gogh’s lived in Hackford Road, Brixton in 1873. It was from here that Vince used to commute to Covent Garden where he was employed by an art dealer.
It seems that this was the happiest time in his life. Unfortunately, his girlfriend blew him out for another guy, which sent him on the slippery slope to madness.
OK, so he went crazy and got into self mutilation, but you have to admit that the art improved.

When the Germans invaded France in 1870 the going got tough in France. The French in turn, got going. The Channel ports were rammed with Frenchmen needing to visit England urgently. Camille Pissarro the impressionist painter was one of them. Camille settled in South London and painted around a dozen pictures of Sydenham and Dulwich during his time here.The image above is of the original Crystal Palace in Sydenham Hill, which burned down in 1936.

The guy who invented Impressionist art, gardener, Claude Monet, was another French painter who followed the brown line to London in 1870. It isn't recorded where he lived, but he did hang out with Pizzarro. There was no tube in those days, so the chances were that it was in South London. Maybe it was a state secret because he was on the Victorian "watch list" because he was a suspected revolutionary.
Maybe the British weren't up with the latest fashions at the time because Monet's works were refused inclusion in the Royal Academy exhibition in 1871.

At the turn of the 20th century he came back and painted a series of paintings of Parliament and Charing Cross bridge, accurately showing the famous London Fog, which even I remember from my youth.

It's been calculated by the angles of sunlight that he painted the series from this suite at the Savoy hotel. Obviously, business was better then and he was less keen on starting a revolution.

The "Poster boy" of post- impressionism and art-nouveau, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, lived in Catford in 1896. The hooker loving, absinth drinking, vertically challenged artist in his time here painted and designed the above image for the Simpson bicycle company.
It turns out that Henri was a big cycle racing fan, as many people were at the time. He didn't like it here, thinking he was being followed all the time. Unlike Monet, he was just paranoid because he was off his head.
Anyway, it turned out to be one of the last paintings he did before he died....and as I said earlier, not a lot of people know that.

BRITISH ATHLETES IN TRAINING FOR THIS YEARS OLYMPICS.

2012-01-22T02:52:00.000-08:00

WHAT HAPPENED ON 911 IN LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES.

2012-01-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

Double click the screen for full picture.

"ETTA JAMES. I BOUGHT YOUR ALBUM WITH MY FIRST WEEKS WAGES. BYE, BYE."

2012-01-20T15:38:00.000-08:00

It's absolutely true. I invested £1 of my first £5/10s weeks wages on "Etta James rocks the house." On Saturday mornings when I was a teenager I used to go to the basement of an electrical shop in Soho where they sold imported American soul tunes. When the records were released here they reduced the price, so I got a great album and a bargain. I've always loved Etta James.

I know Aretha Franklin is supposed to be the Queen of soul. Don't get me wrong Aretha's great. Aretha is matronly and churchy, she wants respect, she's a natural woman, who says little prayers for me.

Etta was better. With her trademark peroxide hair and black eyes, Etta was out there, druggy, boozy, passionate and sexy. When something gotta hold of her she was a pushover, all she wanted to do was make love to me....and all I had to do was roll with her....up....down...down....up....anyway I wanted....just let it roll.

If some people in internetland are prudish about the lyrics, just think about how they sounded to 1950's and 60's audiences.

They must have been horrified?

Nah, the BBC never played them here. They played Aretha, they didn't play Etta. Game over.

Etta's tunes were edgy. If she couldn't have you, she would have rather gone blind... either that, or she would mess up your wedding.

Maybe it was because of Etta's image that Beyonce was chosen to sing Etta's "At Last" at President Obama's Inauguration ball. This, quite rightly, pissed Etta off. She went on to say that she couldn't stand Beyonce and she would whip her ass. Etta was hurt. Instead of getting the real thing, Obama hired the tribute act.

It was additionally insulting because Beyonce played the roll of Etta in the film Cadillac Records in 2008.

Perhaps Etta James will be remembered forever for this 30 second commercial that everyone remembers:

So sexy they bottled it and sold it. RIP Etta.

SNOW WHITE HATES BEING DISSED.

2012-01-19T14:44:00.000-08:00

OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR MEN #11. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO COUNT THE TOWERS WITHOUT LOSING COUNT MIDWAY.

2012-01-19T14:16:00.001-08:00

CONSPIRACY : WHEN MKULTRA SECRETLY GAVE LSD TO THE PERSONNEL AT THE ATOMIC TESTING SITE IN NEW MEXICO, THIS IS WHAT THEY SAW.

2012-01-17T17:08:00.000-08:00

THE 1% ON THEIR WAY TO DEMONSTRATE OUTSIDE A COUNCIL ESTATE IN HACKNEY.

2012-01-17T16:46:00.001-08:00

STUPID AMERICANS #12.

2012-01-17T12:58:00.000-08:00

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN #7. PREGNANCY.

2012-01-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

HOW YOU GET THERE #4. THIS IS THE WAY BLONDIE'S GOING TO FIND YOU.

2012-01-16T14:25:00.000-08:00

911: COINCIDENCES, SYNCHRONICITY, OR PREDICTIVE PROGRAMMING #5.

2012-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

On the Road" by Jack Kerouac, 1955

"When daybreak came we were zooming through New Jersey with the great cloud of Metropolitan New York rising before us in the snowy distance. Dean had a sweater wrapped around his ears to keep warm. He said we were a band of Arabs coming to blow up New York."

WHAT THEY DID IN HEAVEN THE DAY THE BROADBAND WENT DOWN.

2012-01-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

ANOTHER BANK IN TROUBLE AND LOOKING FOR A BAIL OUT

2012-01-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

WATCH OUT TODAY....IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH IN THE YEAR THAT THE WORLD IS SUPPOSED TO END!

2012-01-13T02:54:00.000-08:00

BLATTER BATTERED BY SHAKIRA.

2012-01-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

"FIFA? Call yourself a president? You’re a waste of space. Did you really expect women to wear sexy kits, so they could bring in the men? Haven't you got any decency? Do you know that some of my best friends are gay? How could you possibly give the World cup to a country where being gay is punishable by death? Don't you know what century it is, never mind about what year? Your word means nothing, if you don't believe me ask anyone in England and the USA. Stand still while I'm talking to you, you're not going anywhere, I haven't finished with you yet".

"How can I come here and look my black friends in the face after the way you dealt with the racism thing? Why don't you stand up and do the right thing for the first time in your miserable existence? Don't you realise that people are supposed to look up to you? You're just an odious little man. What do you know about football anyway? You're a ballroom dancer aren't you? Do you think everyone is stupid? Do you think anyone believes you when you say that goal line technology is impossible? Haven't you heard that tennis has been using it for years"?

"For once in your life couldn't you do one thing properly? Why don't you put the same amount of effort in doing your job as you do in dressing like a pimp? And don't get me started about where all the money has gone...."

SAVE THE PLANET #2. DOUG STANHOPE SAYS: SODOMY IS ECO-FRIENDLY AND ABORTION IS GREEN.

2012-01-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

"I HAVE THE WORLDS LARGEST COLLECTION OF SEA SHELLS. I KEEP IT ON ALL THE BEACHES OF THE WORLD....PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN IT?" STEVEN WRIGHT.

2012-01-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

BACK IN THE DAY #31. WHEN ADVERTISEMENTS USED TO TELL THE TRUTH.

2012-01-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

SAVE THE PLANET #1. WHAT IS ISLANDISATION?

2012-01-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

Activists pick on an area where they want so save some species or other; squirrels, bears, bees etc. This usually comes as a result of proposed building or farming plans.

After negotiations, a natural wildlife “Island” is created. This appeases the activists, so that the builders and farmers can get on with their houses, roads, or fields.

Because of the turmoil, many species leave the area. This isolates the species that are left behind and they can’t breed or migrate. Biodiversity decreases and the species that they tried to save….become extinct....then the developers get the land back.

Still, It’s a nice image though.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUANTANAMO BAY. HOME OF THE SLAVE, RUN BY THE LAND OF THE FEE. 10 YEARS OLD TODAY.

2012-01-11T09:59:00.000-08:00

"As president, I will close Guantanamo, reject the Military Commissions Act, and adhere to the Geneva Conventions. Our Constitution and our Uniform Code of Military Justice provide a framework for dealing with the terrorists." Barrack Obama August 2007.

WHY THE NUMBER 13 IS UNLUCKY.

2012-01-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

BISHOP GOMEZ OF THE DIVINE NAZI CANNABIS CHURCH OF SOCCER GIVES HIS CONGREGATION THE SALUTE.

2012-01-11T08:25:00.000-08:00

BRIAN, SEEN HERE AT SCHOOL, DEMONSTRATING WHY HE'S THE YOUNGEST PERSON TO EVER APPEAR ON THE SEX OFFENDERS REGISTER.

2012-01-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

PIE CHART #13.

2012-01-11T08:06:00.000-08:00

"BUZZ, IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. IN FACT IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF ROCKET SCIENCE. JUST STAND ON THIS SPOT AND SAY "JUST ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN...."

2012-01-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

MARILYN, SEE ME, FEEL ME, TOUCH ME, HEAL ME.

2012-01-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

Back in the 1970's I remember vividly walking along one of the local streets and coming to an abrupt halt as I couldn't believe what was facing me.....A huge statue of Marilyn Monroe in her iconic pose from the movie The Seven Year Itch, standing in the front garden of a terraced house.

As you can imagine, it became a local talking point. What was it doing there?

The statue was in fact the one pictured above, which was used in the 1975 movie Tommy.

Set in the future, Tommy, the deaf, dumb and blind kid, is taken to the Church of Marilyn to be cured. Marilyn is the Goddess who's statue is said to have magical properties, which cure people of illnesses and disabilities when it is touched.

In the scene above we see Eric Clapton as the high priest, walking through all the disabled people waiting for a touch, singing the old blues song "Eyesight to the blind."

"So, what was this statue doing in someones front garden?"

By chance I happened to know one of the neighbours, so I asked the question. It turned out that the film company were disposing of the set and had held a competition using a radio station. The broadcast had gone out saying that the winner would be the person who gave the best reason for wanting to own the statue.

The guy who lived in the house won the competition with the answer of: "All I've wanted my whole life is to be able to look up Marilyn Monroe's skirt."

I thought at the time that the statement was a bit creepy, but then again, there are creepier things in life to worry about, she is dead after all.

So what have we got so far?

Pete Townsend, the writer of Tommy, visualised a future where there would be a cult of Marilyn Monroe, where worshippers would gather to touch a statue of Marilyn in the "Seven Year Itch" pose. In addition, someone expressed an interest in looking up her skirt and that the judges thought that was a legitimate reason to win the statue in a competition.

Fast forward into the future 36 years to last year when the huge statue named "Forever Marilyn" by kitsch artist Seward Johnson was unveiled in Pioneer Court in Chicago.

There was criticism all round. Firstly, because it was paid for by the city, which is so poor it had to sell off the rights to all the parking meters to a private company in order to balance the budget. The city also laid off 1,000 teachers, 650 city workers and the fireworks were cancelled on Independence Day.

The other problem is that it the visitors who come to see it are....well....a little strange. There are the "worshipers", who kiss and lick her toes, feet and legs and almost everyone who visits wants to gaze up and photograph her crotch.

Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun Times wrote: "Even worse than the sculpture itself is the photo-op behaviour it's inspiring. Men (and women) licking Marilyn's leg, gawking up her skirt, pointing at her giant panties as they leer and laugh. It's not that the sculpture is shocking or sexist or obscene — but it's definitely bringing out the juvenile goofball in many of us."

The people who vandalise the statue and write graffiti are almost normal by comparison, but it does require a lot of maintainance.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being judgmental, I find it all a bit funny. The statue is only there until the spring, then it gets moved on to another city. So if you want to take a photograph of Marilyn's lady bits, or kiss her feet, get down there while you still have the chance.

The statue does have one practical use. It's a great place to stand under to get out of the rain.

EVEN TOY SOLDIERS GET POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.

2012-01-08T04:13:00.000-08:00

UNUSUAL BARBIES #5. PSYCHO KILLER BARBIE

2012-01-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

GRIM REAPER SAYS: "MAKE WAR NOT LOVE"

2012-01-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

STUPID PARENTS #7.

2012-01-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE CONSPIRACY JOCK, ALEX JONES, TOLD COMEDIAN, JOE REGAN, IT WAS OK BRING HIS MATE, JOEY DIAZ, IN FROM THE CAR.

2012-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR MEN #10.

2012-01-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

CONSUMER NEWS #36. COOKING INSTRUCTIONS FOR CAMPBELL'S SOUP.

2012-01-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

PROOF THAT THE WORLD WILL NOT END IN 2012.

2012-01-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

EXCLUSIVE: THE FIRST IMAGE OF THE MYSTERIOUS LEADER OF THE "OCCUPY" MOVEMENT.

2012-01-05T04:21:00.000-08:00

CONSUMER NEWS #35. "GIRL ON THE PLATFORM SMILE...."

2012-01-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

If you don't get success like the guy in the commercial....go to the dating agency in the ad. Wearing clothes might help too.

"LOOK, WHEN I JOINED, YOU WANTED THE MAKE, MODEL AND REGISTRATION. YOU TOOK MONEY. I'M BROKEN DOWN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, SEND A TOW TRUCK ...NOW!"

2012-01-04T15:51:00.001-08:00

POKER #5. BILL WENT CRAZY WHEN THE ACE CAME DOWN AND BEAT HIM ON THE RIVER.

2012-01-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

PIE CHART #12.

2012-01-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

BATMAN BEING CHILDISH.

2012-01-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR MEN #9. HOW LONG HAVE YOU GOT TO STARE AT THIS IMAGE BEFORE YOU REALISE THAT THE GIRL IS IN TROUBLE.

2012-01-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

BILL HICKS ON CREATIONISTS, JESUS AND THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION.

2012-01-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

BP HAVE FINALLY GOT THEIR FINGERS OUT OF THEIR ARSES AND GOT THE HELP THEY NEED TO CLEAN UP THE GULF.

2012-01-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

I KNOW YOU ONLY WANTED TO BE TRUTHFUL, BUT COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST SAID SHE LOOKED FIT.

2012-01-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

BRITNEY SPEARS SHOWING HER KIDS THE RIGHT WAY TO HEAD A BALL. EYES OPEN, BODY BRACED, NECK BACK, MEETING THE BALL FIRMLY WITH THE FOREHEAD.

2012-01-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

HE AMUSES YOU.....HE'S FUNNY....HOW?...LIKE A CLOWN?.....JOE PESCHI SINGING US IN TO 2012. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

2011-12-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

TODAY PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENICS....TOMORROW....YOU KNOW....ZE VORLD

2011-12-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

Double click on the screen for full picture.

CHECKING OUT THE WOMEN IN DOWNTOWN TEHRAN.

2011-12-29T05:24:00.000-08:00

ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS ON PLANES, THEY MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE.

2011-12-29T04:39:00.000-08:00

Double click on the screen for full picture.

URBAN SAFETY TIP: TRY NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH STRANGE PEOPLE ON TRAINS.

2011-12-29T04:30:00.000-08:00

GRUMPY LOVES SARAH SILVERMAN, BUT SARAH SILVERMAN LOVES BABYBEL.

2011-12-28T12:31:00.000-08:00

BACK IN THE DAY #30. SAMURAI WARRIORS ARMED TO THE TEETH WITH BOW, KNIVES, SWORDS, SPEAR AND.....MOP.

2011-12-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

STAR WARS #20. INCEST HAS ALWAYS BEEN CONSIDERED NORMAL IN THE IMPERIAL ROYAL FAMILY.

2011-12-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

ONCE AND FOR ALL. THE MEEK WILL NOT INHERIT THE EARTH AND THERE IS NO KARMA. THREE ASSET MANAGERS OF £82M FUND, WIN $254M ON THE LOTTERY....BASTARDS.

2011-12-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

WHEN THE OLD WIDOW LEFT ALL HER MONEY TO THE FOX THAT LIVED IN HER GARDEN, SHE DIDN'T REALISE ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT THE FOX WOULD HAVE.

2011-12-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS IS FINALLY OVER.

2011-12-26T02:15:00.000-08:00

GRUMPY MAN WISHES A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS.

2011-12-24T06:44:00.000-08:00

STAR TREK #3. BECAUSE OF A MIX UP WITH THE BANK, CAPTAIN KIRK'S HOUSE WAS FORECLOSED. KIRK BLAMED ALL THE VULCAN IMMIGRANTS.

2011-12-24T03:41:00.000-08:00

FILMS WE LIKE TO SEE ON BANK HOLIDAYS #5. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, THE GRISWOLDS ARE THE BEST THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS

2011-12-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

"JESUS"!

2011-12-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

"YEAH DITTO, I WANT IT TO BE A GIRL TOO MUM".

2011-12-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

"WELL JOSEPH, ACCORDING TO OUR TEST RESULTS, YOU ARE.....NOT.....THE FATHER OF MARY'S CHILD".

2011-12-22T15:50:00.000-08:00

STAR WARS #19. SANTA HAS ONLY GOT ONE ELF VACANCY LEFT.

2011-12-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL BY STEFANO CORSO

2011-12-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

JEWISH PEOPLE DON'T GET HERPES....BECAUSE IT ONLY COMES OUT ON THE GENTILES.

2011-12-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

NEVER MIND ABOUT 2012 BEING THE END OF THE WORLD, THIS IS WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKED LIKE IN THE 1970'S.

2011-12-19T02:04:00.000-08:00

Like most predictions, it was wrong. These days all that crap fits into this:

"WHO HAVE I SLEPT WITH?"...."LET ME SEE, I HAD A DODGY APPLE AND WOKE UP WITH SOME GUY KISSING ME. OTHER THAN THAT, JUST THE DWARVES".

2011-12-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

IF YOU ARE THINKING OF GOING TO A CHURCH THIS CHRISTMAS, YOU BETTER NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO....THERE AGAIN, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD.

2011-12-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

Double click on the screen for full picture.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS WORLD IN ONE IMAGE #2. MAN AND BOYS VERSES FOOD.

2011-12-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT IT'S CHRISTMAS

2011-12-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IF SANTA BRINGS YOU A FIFA 12 FOR YOUR PLAYSTATION THIS CHRISTMAS.

2011-12-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

If you are interested in football, computer games, or just humour, you probably have seen the above image of Liverpool's striker Carroll and Arsenal's goalkeeper Fabianski sharing a passionate embrace on the Playstation game FIFA 12. Below is the full video:

In our house we have always played football games. All football fans want to simulate the real thing. Even if you are overweight, out of shape, or just plain useless, you can play a simulated match, where you are the star player.

Even before computers and game consoles were invented it was....

Blow football....

Fussball....

Subbuteo....

striker and all the other toys, machines and contraptions that were available at the time. Then, as now, we wanted realism. We wanted to forget that we were playing with magnets or skittles and to believe that we were playing in stadiums with real players.

In the late 1970’s Intellivision, a very early games console, brought out the first computer game that achieved maximum believable realism for a football game. Sadly, it wasn’t long before we started to pick up on the games weaknesses and we got to know how to beat it, which as we have subsequently learned, happens with every game. The flaw was that because the game was scrolling, it was a tactic to run an attacking player off to the left, only for him to return on the right as a defender. Then the illusion was broken and it stopped being a football game and it just became a computer game.

Following on from Itellivision we went through years of various consoles (SNES, Mega drive etc) and games. Each of them was an improvement on the one before; different angles, viewpoints, joy pads and teams etc.

The same problems kept coming up, which was that you find a flaw in the game and you are able to exploit it. Usually it was a blind spot in the game where you couldn’t fail to score. If you got in a certain position and hit the ball a certain way, you were guaranteed to score. Then it was a case of focusing all your play into trying to get in that position and preventing your opponent from getting there, to the exclusion of everything else. The other problem that we encountered was that the better we got at a game, the more restricting it became. We were thinking faster than the console would allow. For instance, on one game, we played so fast that the thing had a heart attack and died.

While we were playing we realised the restrictions, but were able to fantasize about where we were eventually heading….to a virtual reality place where we would be in a game….literally.

Playstation was the quantum leap. In 1994 when Playstation came out we had the luxury of the choice between two games Pro-evolution soccer (PES) and FIFA.

We decided on PES because it was at a good angle, the team could build moves, pass easily and you could play your team your way, whereas FIFA was rigid, at a poor angle and had an annoying yellow circle around the player being controlled.

Every couple of years PES brought out an update. It was as if someone had been listening to our conversations, because every update seemed to fix all the problems that we had spotted in the previous edition. In addition, technology had moved on and we were able to play the games on the net, so we didn’t even have to be in the same room to play, or even with each other and I found myself playing with people from Java, Japan, and Jersey.

Everything was sweet until three years ago when FIFA upped their game. At first, people started saying stuff like “Have you seen FIFA lately?” moving on to “I don’t play PES anymore, FIFA’s better”. In the end I found that I was the only one who hadn’t changed. In the end my son went out and got me a FIFA once and for all.

I got with the programme quickly and life went on, until one day I got a phone call from my son:

“You’ll never guess what just happened, I was playing the game and a defender took Theo Walcott’s leg off….like right off. He was rolling around with one leg”!

It seems that it has got even weirder than that in that you can now look at YouTube and there are all kinds of glitches appearing in the game.

The three videos above are just the tip of the iceberg. If you go to YouTube you'll see players melting, flying, levitating and all kinds of madness. It seems like we have moved on from cyberspace to the Twilight Zone.

We might not have to put up with it for much longer. If you have ever seen the movie "The Matrix" you will be familiar with the process that the hero, Neo, goes through in order to be a supreme martial artist by being plugged in to a computer that downloads the skills into his brain.

Like most science fiction that becomes science fact, it will soon be possible. Scientists at Boston University and ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories in Kyoto, Japan, have been studying a process called "Decoded Neurofeedback" , a functional magnetic resonance machine, which can download knowledge directly into someone's brain through their visual cortex by sending signals that change their brain activity pattern. In the near future all superior human skills, like football, will simply become apps which you will be able to download into yourself.

If you visualize everyone possessing the skills of Maradona, nobody would want to play simulated soccer anymore. But that would open out to a whole lot of problems like; getting fit, training and getting injured. Perhaps people would like something relaxing to take their mind off it all....

Like blow football.

MEMBER OF THE PUBLIC OBSERVES BANANA TYPE ALIEN.

2011-12-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

In 2009 the Ministry of Defence released sketches and drawings submitted by the public of supposed alien sightings.

In 1989 this sketch was made by a member of the public of what seemed to be a banana with human style arms and legs, seen in London

If you happen to see one, don't get too close....or you might slip over....and nobody can hear you scream in London.

STUPID AMERICANS #11. 6% OF AMERICANS CAN'T FIND THE USA ON A MAP.

2011-12-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

Even the above wording is wrong. He's saying "Yeah, because we..........."

6%? That's the good news. The bad news is that hardly any of them can find anywhere else, especially us!

A couple of months ago the White House sent out some press literature which included a map which incorrectly identified the state of Wyoming as Colorado. It's a miracle how the US can find their way to all the countries they invade!

EVE MIGHT HAVE BEEN EVICTED, BUT SHE MOVED IN TO A FLAT WITH ADAM ON THE COUNCIL ESTATE EAST OF EDEN. NOW SHE CAN EAT ALL THE APPLES SHE WANTS.

2011-12-14T09:11:00.000-08:00

OPTICAL ILLUSION FOR MEN #8.

2011-12-13T12:23:00.000-08:00

"HEY JIMMY, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?"...."SUPERMAN HAS DUMPED LOIS AND HAS STARTED GOING OUT WITH HER SISTER....HE'S CHANGED LANES!"

2011-12-13T03:52:00.000-08:00

MERRY MITHRASMAS

2011-12-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

IT'S VERY STRESSFUL TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT FOR THE X-FACTOR.

2011-12-12T13:14:00.000-08:00

CONSUMER NEWS #34. BEN AND JERRY KEEPING UP WITH THE TRENDS.

2011-12-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

THE MATRIX #4. AFTER WATCHING THE MOVIE, SNOW WHITE STARTED TO BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS LIVING IN A FAIRY STORY.

2011-12-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

FIDEL CASTRO STEPS DOWN AS PRESIDENT OF CUBA.

2011-12-12T07:57:00.001-08:00

CHUCK FIGURED THAT THE IMAGE OF HIS SON, HIS DOG, HIS WIFE AND HER PINK ASSAULT RIFLE TOGETHER IN AN EMPTY BATH WAS AN UNMISSABLE PHOTO OPPORTUNITY.

2011-12-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

Notice how the pink peace symbol on her jogging bottoms matches the rifle.